How to saw your foot off…

The picture gives an accurate depiction of gout – if only there was a similarly evocative one for fibromyalgia. Perhaps a hot, heavy elephant determined to get a piggyback from you? Or a shaol of Disney-esque piranhas slowly gnawing into your nerves. Piranhas with wobbily dentures as to prolong the experience. Having now got two tasty conditions, I am reliably informed that if I get a third, a win a free lampshade. Apparently arthritis might be on its way so I’m already choosing between Baby Blue and a nice soft yellow colour – I’ll leave it to my wife to decide.

One experience I have recently had is walking with a stick which, for a writer, is a terrifically powerful image. I feel like a massive fraud as my use of said stick might be temporary, but I intend to embrace the look of Russian dissident writer in small town while I have it. A monocle will follow shortly. Bring back the monocle I say.

The gout has a pleasant ruddy colour like a partially cooked prawn and a texture of a drumskin. It is so fetching that my dog has already inspected it and trod on it once, a move that elicited some choice anti-canine language. As previously mentioned, my dog – as utterly wonderful as he is – is not one of those incredible mutts who can sniff out illness. Don’t expect him to bring you a keg of rum if you’re stranded on a mountaintop. He will bring my wife and I his second favourite semi-masticated bone on occasion which we of course hold to our respective bosom with joy.

As per the title of this blog, I have thought about sawing the offending part of my being off to lessen the effect. It seems that you just cannot buy a saw good enough to get through bone from the usual retailers and when I ask, I do get the most unusual looks. Yet, despite almost certainly being watched by the police now, I return to my original thought of ‘stop moaning’. As incredible as it seems given this blog is about fibromyalgia, I am not one of life’s complainers and am very active despite everything. I won’t be entering UFC any time soon, but I do all right. I’m always aware that there are many fibro sufferers much less fortunate than my good self even now I have entered the exciting world of gout. Still, it gives me something to write about. Unless you want me to talk about my latest book…

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